Creating a secure attachment

The best way to form a secure, healthy attachment with your child is by learning to understand and respond to your baby's signals, such as picking them up when they cry. The security of an attachment depends on the closeness of the relationship. The closeness is largely determined by how appropriately the baby's needs are responded to. With time, with caring, and with consistent responses to your baby's needs, your baby will soon learn that he or she can count on you.

You'll begin to notice that your baby smiles at and responds to you and the other primary caregivers he or she spends the most time with. Your baby will depend on you to feel safe, prefer your company, and look to you for approval when playing or for comfort when upset.

The most important time to respond to children is when they are hurt, ill or upset. Not doing so will make your baby feel that you can't be trusted to be there when you're needed. Of course, physical or verbal abuse, or threats of abandonment are never a good idea.

If you are frequently angry or anxious when you deal with your child, this may frighten him or her and interfere with forming a secure attachment. Also, being very inconsistent in your responses can confuse your child.

While your child's need for your response will change as he or she gets older, your child will still need to know that he or she is appreciated and that you will be there when they need you. It's not a good idea to push a child to be independent before they are ready, although your child's efforts to be independent should be encouraged and praised.

If you feel that your relationship with your child is uncomfortable, or you have difficulty understanding his or her signals, settling your child down, or you cannot accept or love him or her, you should get some help.

It's never too late to improve the quality of a child's life. Speak to your doctor or you may want to speak with a counsellor on this phone line.

To learn more about parenting and the development of children from birth to age 5, visit www.investinkids.ca

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